The theme of boundaries becomes a very real and relevant topic to explore as the landscape of our pandemic world continues to shift and evolve.
Boundaries around work, space, people, time, vacation days, communication, etc are all really important to examine.
Who we were pre-pandemic is not who we are now so it is not safe to assume that the lifestyle we rocked pre or even during the first 18 months of the pandemic is what works for us now. And the lesson of how valuable our health and time together is is palpable.
Mindfully paying attention to who and what we decide to spend our time and energy on is essential to our wellbeing.
Let’s explore.
What are boundaries? Why do I care about them? How do I work with them? Let’s first highlight what boundaries are because I never knew this term until I went to coaching school.
Boundaries at the most foundational are being able to hear and know yourself with enough clarity to recognize your limits. I like to think of it as knowing your “property lines”--what’s allowed to happen on your property and what’s not.
Brene Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, author and thought leader, shares that boundaries are: “simply our lists of what's okay and what's not okay.”
There are three stages I work with my clients around thinking about boundaries:
1. Awareness
Why is a boundary needed in this scenario? What are we working on protecting? Is it your energy? Your emotions? Your body? All of the above?
For instance, a client (let’s call her Ali) and I were working on her boundaries with a very needy manager. She felt she was constantly being picked on and micro-managed to the point her energy felt so drained at the end of the day that she lost her sense of self over time. We worked to recognize where her energy leak was coming from and how to establish a boundary line that worked.
2. Practice
Now you know where and why you want a boundary line. It is now time to practice! This can be the hardest part for some people.
Ali communicated this tension with her manager and requested that he give her more space in their 1:1s but he pretty much ignored her. He mentioned he pushes her because he is grooming her for management. Since talking to him seemed to not sink in, Ali needed to embody the boundary line with not just her words, but her actions. She would not respond to his slack messages after certain hours or pick up his calls. She had to stay true to what felt right so that energy wasn’t being sucked out of her like a vampire.
3. Courage & Compassion
This step is so important and not one to be skipped! It takes such courage to hold boundary lines, especially to people who have a perceived greater sense of power or authority. It is also essential to practice self-compassion when you recognize it feels challenging to hold the physical and or energetic boundary line. The way we talk to ourselves in these moments is so key!
For instance, it took Ali a few weeks with consistent practice to be able to surf the anxiety wave every time she held her unavailable hours. She got to breathe through the tension and we worked together on ways she could soothe her internal people pleasing voice. She now feels so much more empowered at work and celebrates her life and self-worth.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brene Brown
I personally think it can be helpful to have a visual for boundaries. Imagine you are at the center of these circles.
Where in your life are you wanting to set some boundaries?
How do you want to feel?
Think about who and what you want to place in what “property lines.”
Who and what do you want to let in closer to your inner circle?
What do you want to move to the outer circles? What gets to be removed fully?
Now that you have awareness it is time to take action!